Piercing the Fog

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Isn’t it strange how sometimes it is easier to believe something if someone else tells you?  Even if it is something that you already know?  And sometimes you even need to be told by a professional?

I have been really struggling with the demands of being a Mum to my three Little’s.  It is a struggle keeping up with three little beings and all their needs, let alone the nice to haves.  I am sure you either know that or can understand.  On top of this I battle with depression and generalised anxiety disorder.  The last couple of years has been especially difficult.

There is so much that I want to do for my family, so many ideas that I would like to implement.  Some of these are basic – like getting on top of the household day to day, while others are bigger dreams.  I beat myself up for being too exhausted to do so, for struggling to serve good meals every day, for being unable to fit in all the basics, for being cranky, for not being sparky.  I think it is fair to say that I am not the mother that I would like to be;  not the mother that I would like my children to have.

I am just so jolly tired.  Not just physically tired from bad sleeping habits and from not having had a good night’s sleep in pretty much 4 1/2 years, but emotionally worn down, mentally burnt out.  But surely that is just making excuses?

Today I finally got in to a psychologist appointment – it is amazing how difficult that can be!  It is tough getting the time away from the kids.  I spent an hour and three quarters there today in an introductory session.  I am not in the best state I have ever been in (hence the appointment!), so not surprisingly, I have a bit of work to do.  However I have walked out of this appointment with two very useful pieces of information:

1/   I am a lot more resilient than I realised – some of the times I have thought I was at my weakest, I have actually proved this.  Also, my worst dealings with depression have occurred when I had a number of triggers and situations occurring at the same time that were beyond my control.

And

2/   I am emotionally zapped.   I can’t do all this stuff I want to do because – wait for it – I am too tired!

I talked to My Friend Sam-O.  As she so succinctly put it, “Well, yeah”.

Really, I knew it already, but I felt I was making excuses.  Sure, my friends had told me, but they are supposed to be supportive.  So now I can finally believe it.  Suddenly I am freed from that guilt, the insidious  disempowerment of depression.  Free to look after myself and follow the directions of those professionals on whose care I am currently dependant.  Free to believe what I already know.

 

 

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3 Responses to “Piercing the Fog”

  1. hohnwilly85 Says:

    Hi,
    I too know all too well the struggles with GAD and depression. You know the commercials that show a woman being wound up like an old toy? It’s a commercial for an anti-depressant, and in that commercial she says depression hurts. This is so true. It’s really hard for someone who hasn’t gone through it to understand just how tired and worn down mentally and physically one can become. I hope you can find tools you need to cope with your issues and get better. And though it sucks that someone else is going through this terrible illness I kind of find comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one by far.

    • Nashie Says:

      Thank you for your words of support. It is such a minefield-especially of self blame, isn’t it? It is always good to stop and remember what is you and what is the illness.

      It is nice to know that we are not alone.

  2. Sam-O Says:

    “Well, Yeah!” I am a genius! What a wordsmith.

    I have told you over and over again that I would not be able to function (and to be honest there are days I dont) as well as you do on the amount of sleep you manage to get. Me being a sleep/bedtime Nazi in this house is one of my coping mechanisms and why I am always on at you to get some help with sleep in your house!! I believe so much in the healing power of sleep.

    Validation is a wonderful thing. Now I think you definitely need to work on being more selfish. Dont keep all the balls up in the air, throw a few away! And don’t feel guilty about it.

    I definitely think we need another Max Brenner date, in fact I almost called you last night. Perhaps we should both be a bit more spontaneous in grabbing some “ME” time.

    Sxx

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