I have been working on acceptance this last three days.  Acceptance of me.  I am trying to avoid judging myself, because I hadn’t realised how much I did that.

I also had not realised how much I was effected by anxiety.  I am starting to recognise it’s symptoms in me everywhere.  It is amazing!  So many situations have come up already, especially with the kids, where I had thought that I was a failure or a bad person for the kind of reactions that I had, but now I am noticing that just prior to that reaction I am overloaded with anxiety symptoms.

It has been a real eye-opener.  Instead of judging myself as bad, I am gentle with myself and acknowledge GAD.  This is not to say that I am allowed to do whatever happens, it just means that I can see what is causing it.  I can say to myself, “Ah, there is that anxiety again.  It isn’t me; it isn’t the kids; it is anxiety.  I’m going to learn how to deal with that.”  And that in itself can help limit the snowballing.

Not that it always works.  Sometimes things can be a little tough.

For example:  we are hosting my Mother’s 85th birthday party here next Saturday.  I am dreading it.  I really wanted it to happen for my Mum, and this seemed the only way to do it, but the pressure is killing me.  The apparent expectation of failure that is coming from some of my siblings is not helping any.

Today I received some emails that had been copied to the whole family, that were really insulting to me and my abilities to organise the event.  They may not have been meant like that, but they hurt like crazy.  I cried and cried.  And then I replied.  Vitriolicly.  I was hurt and I was raging.

I have probably succeeded in alienating a whole bunch of people.  NOT what I hoped to achieve.  Not the way I would normally behave.

Unfortunately, when you are against the wall already, or already down, pushing buttons, even a little bit, really, really hurts.

Now I need to learn to accept this.  Learn to be a little more gracious with myself.  Heal a bit,  rather than make it worse.  Then I will need to clear the air.

Hard work, mental illness.

my black dog


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2 Responses to “Acceptance”

  1. ozzyturn Says:

    Fight or Flight reponse can be a biatch! In a way, I think it is probably much more OK than you think, that you let off steam by replying to that email. At least you have got it out and can move on. The alternative would be you still holding on to it all and probably being all kinds of passive agressive. I am, obviously (as you know 😉 ) a major supporter of decompressing and moving on.

    Don’t beat yourself up, it truly is a stressful situation. I think you are brave taking it on with everything else you have on your plate. Please let me know if I can do something to help. I am just up the road. Sxx

  2. Sam-O Says:

    WordPress Gravatar ate my comment! It was too good to try and replicate.

    Basically – you are OK to send that email, sometimes you need to decompress or you will explode. Getting it out means you can move on to the next challenge. Just let me know if I can help.

    Fight or Flight Reflex can be a biatch!


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